Once More Around the Sun
What happens when your family member needs help? What messaging service do you use?
Musings
Oliver and I just celebrated our birthdays which brings me one year closer to that sweet sweet Social Security and Oliver one year closer to Elementary school. It’s been three years of parenting one great kid.
I have been rewatching Girls recently and am surprised at how different it hits thirteen years laters. Is this growth?
Today's piece touches on domestic violence. If you are experiencing abuse or are concerned about a loved one, please know that you are not alone and help is available.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit thehotline.org
Asian Women’s Shelter: sfaws.org
The Matriarch Calls
A lot has happened in the last few months since my previous post. My father-in-law passed away, my mom spent some time with us, Oliver started a new school, and I have something on my butthole that needs to be exorcised. Each of these can be their own posts in the future. For now, I’ve been spending most of my time navigating the wishes of the matriarchy of our family.
A close family member was threatened and hurt recently by her spouse. Money was stolen. Firearms were brandished. A mistress was discovered and lawyers are now being counseled. The whole thing reads like a Mario Puzo novel. I called my grandmother to ask her if she’d like us to do anything for her grandchild. And she asked something of me and my cousins that I don’t think anyone with a liberal arts degree and soft hands can provide. But there are no other men in the family to do it because they’re either too old or too dead. 复仇 (Fùchóu). Vengeance.
Vengeance in a multinational family can be a bit tricky to coordinate. Are we looking to bring hurt back to just the individual? Do we need to bring it back to their parents and grandparents? What village are they from? What about their ancestral sites? Who is flying in? When are you flying in? Does anyone have any dietary restrictions? End-to-end encrypted group chats are started and the mundane things that slow down your regular chat start to slow down this one before someone finally asks “When are we taking this out of the chat?”
According to a recent study, 1 in 4 women in the US experiences physical violence by their partners. But these studies have had a history of misrepresenting the Asian-diaspora. One survey “effectively excluded a large proportion of the nearly 70% of Asian Americans who are foreign-born and speak other languages”1 in their results. Other studies have had similar challenges to form any meaningful findings about a specific ethnic group. But one alarming conclusion that was drawn from the studies is that ”foreign-born Asian Americans and Southeast Asian populations—may be especially vulnerable to [Intimate Partner Violence] IPV due to their overrepresentation in demographic categories associated with IPV in the general population, as well as stresses associated with immigration and acculturation.”
All of this has raised some truths and questions to wrestle with as a family and father. Do we as a family know how to respond to make sure everyone in our household and extended family feels safe? Will both my kids know how to be decent people in society? Will they recognize the discreet and non-discreet calls for help?
Regardless of the outcome of the issue today, I will do the work my father and his father all had to in creating a good man and hope that’s enough. The work is never ending and quite terrifying. I have brought life into this world and I’m responsible for it.
For now, we have taken it out of the chat. The family is coming together. The planes are already in the air. Who knows if 复仇 (Fùchóu) will be ever be realized but at least we can plot and plan over dim-sum instead of on our phones.
P.S. The other thing my grandma and mom asked me to do was tell my wife to have a “fuck you fund” if she doesn’t already have one. Do as the scouts and always Be Prepared.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4449838/